So it’s been a while since I’ve written any narratives, present or past. The reason, it seems, is that I have spent the last several weeks obsessing about things I see in everyday life that infuriate me. It’s very healthy, I know.
Several years ago I had a dream that I want everyone reading this to think about. In this dream, I was given a podium, a microphone, and an audience of everyone in the United States. I had thirty seconds to make a statement. What would you say?
Now, think about this. Simply saying, “hey, let’s all just get along”, isn’t going to bring world peace. Saying something like that wouldn’t make any more difference than a heartfelt country song being blasted over the speakers. People may like the song, but the message is lost somewhere in our daily non-stop routine.
I quickly decided to focus on my personal pet peeves. I focused on things that people do that they might not even realize is wrong. And it worked. And then I woke up.
I’m overly bitter about a lot of things because of sheer impatience. Maybe I’ve just seen it all. But one thing is for sure – nothing surprises me.
I quickly found that my pet peeves could be divided into four categories: 1) Traffic and Travel, 2) Grammar and Communication, 3) Laziness, 4) General Annoying Behavior
Here’s what I said at that podium…What would you say?
“Ladies and gentlemen, there will be no time for questions. Can’t we all do a little better? Things are being done on a daily basis that have become acceptable behavior and these things will stop immediately. I have commissioned a worldwide undercover police unit that will enforce these rules. If caught doing any of the things I will list in a moment, you will be shot with a tranquilizer gun and promptly removed from the population. There will be no argument; there will be no exceptions.
Traffic/Travel
1) Don’t take your truck into a custom shop to make it louder.
2) Don’t pull ahead into an intersection when you can’t make it across because of stopped traffic in front of you. All you’re doing is blocking the people heading in the other direction from getting by when their light turns green.
3) Use your turning signal when driving. Are you aware of how many people you are affecting by not practicing this simple, and safe for that matter, procedure? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat waiting for a car approaching from my left which in the last second turns right onto the very street I’m sitting. No signal, so there I am sitting when I could have already been down the road.
4) Don’t get passed on the right while driving in the passing lane. On an interstate, the majority of traffic is caused by someone driving slow in the passing lane. Why are you in the passing lane if you’re not passing someone? A helicopter will attach and remove you from the road. Once you’re away from the highway and other innocent civilians, you will be tranquilized.
5) Don’t tailgate other cars. This goes double for the rednecks violating rule #1.
Grammar and Communication
6) Don’t use the word “literally” more than once when telling a story. Try not to use it at all because it’s a hard word to use correctly. Here’s a hint: If you “literally” jump out of your skin, you’re dead.
7) Don’t openly make blanket religious and/or political comments in mixed company assuming that everyone agrees with what you’re saying. This is a practice that is so ignorant that it makes me doubt the merit of your opinions anyway.
8) Don’t mumble. Life is too short and I refuse to spend another second of it asking someone to repeat themselves. One of the 18 things I do to make just less than a living is bartend. 30% of the time someone asks for a Bud Light, I hand them a Miller Lite because that’s what it sounded like they asked for. How can you not construct a vocal difference between Bud Light and Miller Light? In this specific case, I will break the incorrect beer bottle over your head and then you will be tranquilized and removed.
9) Don’t write and/or speak tailored phrases incorrectly, i.e. “could care less”, “all intensive purposes”. Think before you speak. Most people say “I could care less” which makes absolutely no point. And if you’re ever saying “all intensive purposes”, you don’t understand what the correct phrase means anyway. Don’t use it. If you aren’t following my points here, stay away from these phrases all together.
10) Don’t ever say “Where you is?” or “What this be?”. Also, don’t defend and justify these methods of speech by calling it a culturally specific language. Let’s call it what it is: laziness.
Laziness
11) If you work in telephone customer service, don’t pass along problems knowing that the caller will never make it back to you. You don’t have to like what you do, but have enough pride to do it well. Otherwise, get tranquilized, removed, and replaced by the next person in line waiting for a job.
12) Don’t be someone that is constantly looking for something for free. Learn and understand this: nothing is free. Something, tangible or emotional, is exchanged. Know it, live with it.
13) Don’t be a smoker that inexplicably thinks that smoker trash doesn’t count as trash. When did it become ok for a spent cigarette to be thrown on the ground, crushed by a foot, and then left to be picked up by someone else? Think about it. If I were walking in front of you on the sidewalk, unwrapped a piece of gum and dropped the wrapper on the ground to blow indefinitely around town it would strike you as a blatant disregard for decent behavior. Why are cigarettes and matches any different?
14) Don’t leave your shopping cart next to your car after you unload it because you’re too lazy to return it to the cart wrangler that sits waiting just 10 yards away. Now you add inconvenience to someone’s job and you block a perfectly good parking spot. In other words, you are negatively affecting the natural order. You will be tranquilized, put in the cart, and displayed for 24 hours in front of the store. Then you will be removed from society.
15) Don’t use a handicapped spot if you’re not handicapped. This comes in many forms. Some people just blatantly park there and run in quickly taking the chance that a ticket won’t be issued before they return. Others will park there and have someone run in for them thinking that it is ok because they are still in the car and can move if they need to. This is untrue. In my opinion, you should be removed for any act that displays a pattern of laziness, but this is actually hurting others physically. You’re a moronic, gluttonous waste of space and will be removed.
16) Don’t circle your gym parking lot looking for the perfect spot that allows you to do the least amount of walking. Really?
General Annoying Behavior
17) Don’t chew with your mouth open. Everyone in their lives has learned this. What happened to you? This is a habit that will take about 1 second to fix. Just stop doing it. Done. Next.
18) Don’t be a girl that expects to get things free because you’re pretty. I should probably say “because you think you’re pretty”. What if I don’t think you’re pretty? Then we’re just left with an awkward transaction scenario. Check your narcissism at the door and refer to #12.
19) Don’t ever write “lol” in texts or emails. Are you “literally” laughing out loud? And remember not to use “literally”.
20) Don’t be another simpleton that chooses to stand in walkways and/or on staircases in crowded places effectively blocking the passage of everyone else around you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you. Can’t we all do a little better?”
